Hot Casino Jokes and Gambling Cartoons for the Joker in You, casino slot jokes.

Casino slot jokes

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A blonde woman has won a lot of chips. She tells her friend that she will keep the chips in her vault. The combination for the safe is all 5s, but she won’t say which order they’re in. The difference between praying in a church and praying in a casino is that in a casino you really mean it.

Hot casino jokes and gambling cartoons for the joker in you

“what did the dealer say to the deck of cards” and many other classic jokes and puns in the world of online gambling, right here, on bestonlinecasino.Com. We all enjoy a good laugh and, though playing for real money is no laughing matter, we decided to delight our readers with some of the most hilarious jokes and puns that we could find. This is also a collection that we intend on growing, so make sure to check back regularly for the latest gambling jokes.

All-in in the kitchen

A group of men are playing poker when one is warned that his friend is making love to his wife in the kitchen. All the man wants to know is whether or not he’s all-in.

A man wants to play poker with his wife

A man wants to play poker with his wife because he knows she’s not any good at it, and wants his money back. The wife protests: “but I don’t know how to play poker.”

Bet on everything

In las vegas they let you bet on anything. You can even bet if you’re going to win or lose in the casino.

Betting her age

A woman faints when she bets her age and a much higher number comes up, making her feel VERY old.

Betting in tibet

Two women are having a conversation about a husband who’s planning a trip to tibet. The woman tells her he goes there because it has ‘bet’ in the name.

Betty the race horse

A wife busts her husband for saying his race horse is called betty, when actually it’s the name of his mistress.

Blonde playing pop machine

A hot blonde woman plays the pop machine and thinks she is winning.

Blonds playing bingo

Blonds are waiting for the number free space to have bingo.

Break even

A man goes to the casino and hope he breaks even, because he really needs the money.

Bring your own chips

A woman puts down frozen french fries on the casino table, as she was told to bring her own (casino)chips.

Broken slot machine

The slot machine is tingling and a blond woman doesn’t realize that she’s just won the jackpot. Instead of that she thinks the machine is broken.

Can’t deal with you

What does a blackjackdealer say to the deck of cards? I can’t deal with you anymore.

Casino chips versus potato chips

A woman is munching on casino chips at a casino table. She tells her friend that she wonders how long they’ve been there, as they’re very hard.

Casino don’t N⁰1: lucky dice

Casino don’t number 1: don’t ask the croupier if you can use your lucky dice when you are playing craps.

Casino don’t #2: counting cards

Casino don’t #2:don’t bother counting cards with your fingers.

Casino don’t #3: card tricks

Casino don’t #3: don’t ask the blackjack dealer if she knows any good card tricks.

Casino don’t #4: caribbean stud poker

Casino don’t #4: don’t wear a jamaican wig while playing caribbean poker.

Casino don’t #5: french wheel

Casino don’t N⁰ 5: don’t ask the roulette guy if the french wheel was imported.

Casino don’t #6: cheering at your racehorse

Casino don’t N⁰6: don’t stand up and cheer on your horse at the horse racing game in the casino.

Casino don’t #7: don’t put your dinner plate on the roulette table

A man puts his plate down on the roulette table, believing he sees a table where he can eat.

Cheating with poker

A player says the other player is cheating, because he knows that those aren’t the cards that he gave.

Conjoined twins at the casino

A man bumps into a pair of conjoined twins at the casino and asks them if they’ve won. The twins reply: “yes and no”.

The difference between a casino and a church

The difference between praying in a church and praying in a casino is that in a casino you really mean it.

Doctor playing poker

The wife thinks that her husband needs to go to a serious surgery, because there are already 3 other doctors, but he is just going to play poker

Dog playing poker

A dog is playing poker, but reveals his good hand by wagging his tail.

Eating dice

Two craps dealers are enjoying pudding filled with dice in a restaurant.

The ex winning the jackpot

A man receives a text message from his ex who wants to get back together after winning the lottery.

Favorite song of a poker dealer

A poker dealer who’s doing a dance move from the music video of ‘everyday I’m shuffling’, while he’s shuffling cards behind his poker table.

High stakes

When an older man sees a vampire walk into a casino he asks: why do vampires play poker? The other man points to the sign above the entrance, which says ‘high stakes’.

Just looking around

A blind man at a poker table uses his dog to look around the table.

Leaving with a fortune

A man asks another man why las vegas is called the city of fortune. He shows the nickels in his pockets and tells him you have to gamble a big fortune to win at least something.

Looking for blackjack

A woman is looking for blackjack at the casino and asks a coloured man if he’s blackjack.

Losing with mobile poker

A man asks his friend how he managed to lose money playing poker on his mobile phone. He tells him he called himself by mistake.

Lost my wife

A man walks up to a woman and asks if he can stand with her, because his wife always appears when he’s talking to a beautiful woman.

Marriage bet

A man bets that his girlfriend wouldn’t marry him, and she raises him with five.

Money changing machine

A man is happy because he thinks that the money changing machine is a gambling machine.

Monkeys playing dice for peanuts

Monkey’s are gambling and a woman wants the guard to stop it, but the monkeys are keeping within the law, they’re only playing for peanuts.

Naked woman winning

A naked woman is distracting the two dealers at the craps table.

Odds to play strip poker

A blackjack player asking the stunning dealer what the odds are she is going to play strip poker instead of blackjack.

Playing aces slowly

A man asks a blonde woman why she is taken so long to play her poker hand. She answers that she is playing, but she wants to play her aces slowly.

Poker don’t N⁰1: card tricks

Never perform card tricks for the group you play poker with.

Praying for the lottery

A man prays to god to help him win the lottery, but god asks him to first buy a lottery ticket.

Safe combination

A blonde woman has won a lot of chips. She tells her friend that she will keep the chips in her vault. The combination for the safe is all 5s, but she won’t say which order they’re in.

Spending too much time in an online casino

That man’s spent so much time in an online casino, he thinks he can play for free in an real casino as well.

The craps table

A man takes the translation of craps table too literally.

The steaks are too high

A man walks into the butcher shop and wants to make a bet with the butcher about reaching a piece of beef that’s hanging. The butcher tells him he’ll not bet on that, because the steaks are too high.

Tipping the blackjack dealer

A blackjack dealer wants a tip like a waiter, but the player only gives a tip when the blackjack gives him what he orders, a queen.

What happens when you don’t drink or gamble

A man wants a bum coming to his house to show to his wife what happens if a man doesn’t drink or gamble.

Why poker is like sex

Two men explain that you don’t need a partner at poker if you have a good hand, much like sex.

Wife going to las vegas

A women thinks to earn a lot of money with sex in las vegas, but the husband doesn’t think so.

Wife pays the rent

A wife is paying the rent with sex because the husband lost all the money with poker, but the husband doesn’t know that she does it a lot.

Winning the lottery

A man wins the lottery and want his wife to leave the house.

Bad beat

A man is crying after playing poker and other players are laughing at him. When he’ll play online poker he wouldn’t have to experience that.

Cheating

A tourist is taking a safari tour with an african guide through a national park and asks him why gambling is forbidden. The guide tells him that it’s because they have cheetahs.

Helping your wife at poker

A husband tries to help his wife at the poker table and tells her she needs to call. The blond woman misunderstands him and grabs her phone instead.

Lost everything at poker

A woman comes home from a poker game and enters the bedroom naked, with only her purse over her shoulder to seduce her husband. He thinks she lost everything at poker, even her clothes.

Playing poker without a clue

Two people are playing poker and both thinking they’re the best but they don’t know what they’re doing.

Telling the truth

A poker player displayed on the left and a politician displayed on the right.

Casino humour

Rodney dangerfield joined gamblers anonymous. They gave him three-to-one he wouldn't make it.

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, 'martha, pack up your things! I just won the lottery!'
martha replies, 'should I pack for warm weather or cold?'
the man responds, 'I don't care. Just get out!'

A blonde is in vegas vacationing with her friends. She walks to a candy machine and puts in two coins. She turns the knob and a candy bar falls out.
She picks up the candy bar and puts it in her pocket. Then she puts two more coins into the slot and turns the knob; again a candy bar falls out and she puts it in her pocket.
The blonde smiles, puts two more coins into the machine and again turns the knob, producing yet another candy bar.
A man has been watching from a short distance away and walks up to the blonde. He says, `excuse me, miss, what are you doing?`
the blonde replies, 'duh! I'm winning here!'

A trip to las vegas

A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags. "where are you going?" demands the surprised husband. "to las vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $500 to do what I do for you for free!" the man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing HIS bags. "what do you think you are doing?" she screamed. "I'm going to las vegas with you. I want to see how you're going to live on $1000 a year!"

A man was quietly reading his paper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan. "what was that for?" he says. "that was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name mary lou written on it", she replies. "two weeks ago when I went to the races, mary lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on", he explains. She looks satisfied, apologizes, and goes off to do work around the house. Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold. When he comes to, he says, "what the hell was that for?" "your horse phoned."

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Funny gambling puns and casino jokes

Every true gambler can give us his best shot about gambling. Time flies when you’re having fun. All of us like to joke. Especially about gambling and casino. Now we’re going to break the ice with the best gambling puns. Syndicate casino blog believes that you guys are ready to laugh today.

Time for gambling puns

In our modern age, sometimes you win the fight by losing it. Sometimes you can get a jackpot and live happily ever after. That’s life. But the big question is, can you stay positive the whole time? Of course, you can. Casino puns and gambling jokes are making the whole world a wonderful.

Casino players will be better than politics

“what’s the difference between casino players and politicians? – casino players sometimes tell the truth.”

Guys with nothing left to lose tend not to bluff in poker. They stand to gain the most out of this with card jokes. Actually, you can spin the wheel to win the real money without lying! Tell the truth and show them who is a boss here.

“when a man with money meets a man with experience, the man with experience leaves with money and the man with money leaves with experience.”

When you learn how to play in craps and win, that can happen. There is a useful idea of becoming successful in the casino. More practice and experience with our gambling terms will show you the right way.

“how’s a casino like a good woman? Liquor in the front, poker in the back!”

The guest of the online casino will be able to choose what brings with him liquor or sexy blond.

Each gambler can just have the freedom of using the stuff that he finds familiar in his mind. Can be sure, online gambling is the nicest woman in your life.

”I must complain the cards are ill shuffled till I have a good hand.”

The right cards in good hands is a victory for every enthusiastic player. Yes, ’cause when you get a good hand, you have to know how to use a casino strategy well.

“they call gambling a disease, but it’s the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.“

It’s true. You can read plenty of stories about famous gamblers who beat the casino.
Go on, create some jokes about your favorite slots, winning or tell us more about other friends who love to gamble in online casinos as well.

Casino jokes

Funny jokes

Best hooker in las vegas

A guy is walking along the strip in las vegas and a knockout hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "how much?"
hooker replies, "it starts at $500 for a hand-job."
guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job? No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"
the hooker says, "do you see that denny's on the corner?"
"yes."
"do you see the denny's about a block further down?"
"yes."
"and beyond that, do you see that third denny's?"
"yes."
"well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."
guy says, "what the hell? I'll give it a try."
they retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he more.

8:00 AM at the casino

It's 8:00 AM at a gambling casino. There are two guys waiting at the dice table for additional competition. A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. The other two agree.

She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm not wearing underwear." with that she strips naked from the waste down. She then rolls the dice while yelling, "momma needs a new pair of pants! YES! I WIN!"

With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The other two just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asks, "what did she roll anyway?"

The other answers, "I don't know. I thought you were watching the dice!"

The cab

A businessman flew to vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.
So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his driver's license number, his address, etc. But to no avail.
The cabbie said, "if you don't have fifteen dollars, get the
hell out of my cab!" so the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to vegas and this time he won big.
Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well, who should he see more.

The best high-priced call girl in the city

A guy went to las vegas, and won big, really big, in one of the casinos.
When you win big in vegas the casino will give you free things, like meals, show tickets, or rooms, this is all designed to keep you there so that you will lose what money you have won.
After winning fifty thousand dollars at the crap table, the casino decided to give the guy a night in the penthouse suite.
The guy went up to the room, opened the big double doors, and stepped into a three room suite.
The room is on a corner of the hotel and two walls are nothing but windows, with a fantastic view of the city. There's a wet bar in one corner, with a big screen T.V.
The guy dropped his bag of money in a chair and stood looking out the windows at the city.
He realized he was all alone and needed someone to share his good fortune.
He called the front desk and told the clerk to send up one of the best, high-priced call girls in the city.
Thirty minutes later there was a knock on the more.

Vegas facts - cool facts about las vegas

Las vegas means "the meadows" in spanish.

In nevada, there are more than 209,000 slot machines normally operating 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

The first neon sign appeared in las vegas in 1954 at the boulder club.

The bell is the oldest symbol still used on today's slot machines.

The average annual temperature in las vegas is 66 degrees.

It would take 288 years for one person to spend one night in every hotel room in las vegas.

Shrimp consumption in las vegas is more than 60,000 pounds a day. That's higher than the rest of the country combined and adds up to 22 million pounds per year.

The stardust was the first hotel in vegas to add a sports book to its casino.

Nickel slots on the strip pay back anywhere from 86.9 percent to 92.8 percent of what they take in.

Las vegas casinos never use dice with rounded corners.

It's estimated that every day las vegas casinos more.

Funny casino jokes

What NOT to do when gambling in a casino

Casino joke 01
don’t ask casino security where the pinball machines are?

Casino joke 02
don’t butt into a private high stakes poker tournament game saying “mind if I join in?”

Casino joke 03
don’t ask the blackjack dealer if he knows any good card tricks?

Casino joke 04
don’t ask the casino cashier for change for the toilets condom machine?

Casino joke 05
don’t ask the croupier if you can use your lucky dice?

Casino joke 06
don’t ask the dealer about the odds on strip poker?

Casino joke 07
don’t ask the guy next to you if he can break a five?

Casino joke 08
don’t ask the roulette guy if the french wheel was imported from france?

Casino joke 09
don’t ask where the play blackjack for fun tables are?

Casino joke 10
don’t bring your silver dollar yo-yo near the slot machines!

Casino joke 11
don’t call for a ball measurement after losing a roulette spin!

Casino joke 12
don’t complain to the pitboss about the dealer’s poker face!

Casino joke 13
don’t count cards with your fingers and toes!

Casino joke 14
don’t flip chips capriciously onto the poker table from 5 feet away and say “let it ride baby”!

Casino joke 15
don’t pretend you’re an IRS agent and talk into your sleeve!

Casino joke 16
don’t pull out your hoyle’s rule book when the blackjack dealer says you can’t split an 8th time!

Casino joke 17
don’t put your dinner plate on the roulette table!

Casino joke 18
don’t say episcopalian when the cashier asks you which denomination you prefer?

Casino joke 19
don’t stuff your pockets with big magnets and then play roulette!

Casino joke 20
don’t tip the casino security guard!

Casino joke 21
don’t try to psyche out the blackjack dealer by staring at him for 5 minutes.!

Casino joke 22
if you lose at blackjack, don’t say to the dealer, “okay, okay, double or nothing?”

Casino joke 23
never wink at the blackjack dealer, especially if he’s the same sex!

Casino joke 24
when the dealer decides to stand, don’t say “I’m calling’ ya’ yellow’ mister”!

Casino joke 25
don’t attempt to buy poker chips using monopoly money!

Funniest gambling jokes

Published may 1, 2015 updated december 14 , 2017

You may think the biggest gambling joke of all is the huge loss you took last time you spent the night at a land based casino, or perhaps you’re the type who finds nothing funny about gambling.

Here at australiancasinosite.Com, we’ve always thought it was super important not to take things too seriously when it comes to gambling; with such high risks involved the outcome is truly out of your hands so why not take it all with a grain of salt?

One of the best ways to stay positive and see the funny side of a loss is by making sure you’re always gambling within your means and never placing a bet that you can’t afford to lose. These golden rules of gambling will help to ensure that your real money betting remains the fun yet exciting recreational activity that it should be.

If you’re going through a particularly rough patch of bad luck, or just need a bit of a laugh, have a look at some of our favourite gambling jokes that we’ve compiled from the dark corners of the internet for your entertainment.

Top 10 best jokes about gambling

• 1. A bum asks a man for a dollar. The man says, “are you just going to use it to buy booze?” the bum says, “no.” the man says, “are you just going to use it to gamble and lose?” the bum says, “no.” the man says, “well then, I’ll give you the dollar if you’ll you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn’t drink or gamble.”

• 2. Q: how do you make a small fortune out of betting on the pokies?

A: start with a large fortune.

• 3. A man rushes home and yells to his wife, “mary, pack your things. I just won a million bucks on blackjack!” mary excitedly says, “should I pack for warm weather or cold?” the husband responds, “I don’t care. Just so long as you’re out of the house by midday!”

• 4. Two bored, male casino dealers are waiting for someone to come try their luck at their craps table. Finally, a beautiful young woman comes in wanting to bet ten grand on a single roll of the dice. She says, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m half naked.” the dealer’s just stand there, too awe struck to speak.

The dealers stare at each other, flabbergasted. One of them finally asks, “what did she roll anyway?” the other responds, “I don’t know. I thought YOU were watching the dice!”

• 5. There’s a touching story about a young man who said to his girlfriend, “I bet you wouldn’t marry me.” the story goes that she not only called his bet but also raised him ten!

• 6. An ex writes a letter to the man she cheated on for years before dumping him at the altar:

Dear danny,
I have been unable to eat or sleep since I left on our wedding day. Can’t you find it in your heart to forgive and forget? Being away from you is breaking my heart. I was a fool, there’s nobody who can take your place. I only have eyes for you. All the love in the world, susan xoxoxxoxooxox

PS. Congratulations on winning this week’s lottery.

• 7. Q: what’s the difference between praying in a church and praying in a casino?
  A: in a casino, you really mean it!

• 8. A man walks into a butcher and asks, “are you a gambling man?” the butcher says yes, so the man tells him, “I bet you $100 that you can’t reach up and touch that meat hanging from those hooks up there.” the butcher says, “no way, I’m not betting on that.” the man replies, “why not? I thought you said you were a gambling man?” to which the butcher responds, “I am, but those steaks are too high!”

• 9. Q: how do you get a professional poker player to get off your front porch?
  A: pay him for the pizza.

• 10. A guy comes home from the pub four hours later than he’d promised. “where the hell have you been?” screams his wife. The man says, “I’ve been playing poker with some mates.” “playing poker with some mates!?” the wife yells. “well, you can pack your bags and go!” “so can you,” the guys says. “this isn’t our house anymore.”

Next time you’re betting online and can’t seem to get ahead, hopefully you’ll think of these jokes and remember not to take things too seriously. Or perhaps you could use one of them in a poker chat room to ease the tension and give everyone a laugh. If you have any good gambling jokes of your own we’d love to hear them.

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Casino humour

Rodney dangerfield joined gamblers anonymous. They gave him three-to-one he wouldn't make it.

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, 'martha, pack up your things! I just won the lottery!'
martha replies, 'should I pack for warm weather or cold?'
the man responds, 'I don't care. Just get out!'

A blonde is in vegas vacationing with her friends. She walks to a candy machine and puts in two coins. She turns the knob and a candy bar falls out.
She picks up the candy bar and puts it in her pocket. Then she puts two more coins into the slot and turns the knob; again a candy bar falls out and she puts it in her pocket.
The blonde smiles, puts two more coins into the machine and again turns the knob, producing yet another candy bar.
A man has been watching from a short distance away and walks up to the blonde. He says, `excuse me, miss, what are you doing?`
the blonde replies, 'duh! I'm winning here!'

A trip to las vegas

A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags. "where are you going?" demands the surprised husband. "to las vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $500 to do what I do for you for free!" the man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing HIS bags. "what do you think you are doing?" she screamed. "I'm going to las vegas with you. I want to see how you're going to live on $1000 a year!"

A man was quietly reading his paper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan. "what was that for?" he says. "that was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name mary lou written on it", she replies. "two weeks ago when I went to the races, mary lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on", he explains. She looks satisfied, apologizes, and goes off to do work around the house. Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold. When he comes to, he says, "what the hell was that for?" "your horse phoned."

Welcome to onlinecasinos77 - is online service made by сanadians for сanadians. You have come to the site that provides all the gaming information you will ever need in one convenient locale. Get the insight of the world of online gambling in understandable and comprehensive layout.

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2011-2020 onlinecasinos77. All rights reserved

Top 10 funniest gambling jokes

Welcome to our gambling fun and jokes section. We all love a good joke or two, so sit back and have a laugh. There are some truly awful jokes out there so we’ve tried to include only the best ones, but each to their own eh. We will try to add jokes as and when we hear them, so make sure you pop back when you can to catch the latest gambling jokes.

10. A man walks into a bar and notices a poker game at the far table. Upon taking a closer look he sees a dog sitting at the table. This piques his curiosity and he walks closer and sees cards and chips in front of the dog. Then the next hand is dealt and cards are dealt to the dog. Then the dog acts in turn with all the other players, calling, raising, discarding, everything the other human players were doing.

However none of the other players seemed to pay any mind to the fact that they were playing with a dog, they just treated him like any other player. Finally the man could not longer hold his tongue so between hands he quietly said to one of the players, “I can’t believe that dog is playing poker, he must be the smartest dog in the world!” the player smiled and said, “he isn’t that smart, every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail.”

9. “I need you to help me stop my son gambling,” an anxious mother said to his son’s head master. “I don’t know where he gets it from but it’s always bet, bet, bet.”
“leave this to me,” said the head master. Seven days later he phoned the boy’s mother. “I think I’ve cured him,” he said.
“how?”
“well, I saw him looking at my large beard and he said, ‘I bet that beard is false.’
‘how much?’ I said, and he said “£5 ”
“what happened?” asked the mother.
“well, he pulled my beard, which is quite natural, and I made him give me £5. I’m sure that will teach him a lesson or two.”
“no, it won’t,” said the mother. “he bet me £10 this yesterday that he will pull your beard with your permission by the end of the week!”

8. Tim was down on his luck in vegas. He had gambled away every cent of his money and had to borrow a dime from someone else just to use the men’s toilet. The stall happened open, so he used the dime in a slots machines and hit the jackpot. He took his winnings and went straight to the blackjack table and turned his small winnings into 5 million dollars.

Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, tim went on the lecture circuit, where he told his amazing story. He told his audiences and followers that he was eternally grateful to his benefactor, and if he ever found the man who gave hime that dime, he would share his fortune with him. After months of lectures, a man in the audience jumped up and said, “I’m that man. I was the one who gave you that dime.”

“you’re not the one I’m looking for. I’m looking for the guy who left the door open!”

7. A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, “alice, pack up your things. I just won the california lottery!”

Alice replies, “shall I pack for warm weather or cold?”

The man responds, “I don’t care. Just so long as you’re out of the house by noon!”

6. A guy named joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he’s in serious financial trouble. He’s so desperate he decides to ask god for help. He begins to pray…

“god, please help me. I’ve lost my business and if I don’t get some money, I’m going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery.”
lottery night comes and somebody else wins it.

“god, please let me win the lottery! I’ve lost my business, my house and I’m going to lose my car as well.”

Lotto night comes and joe still has no luck.

“my god, why have you forsaken me?? I’ve lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don’t often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lottery this one time so I can get my life back in order.”

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and joe is confronted by the voice of god himself:

“joe, meet me halfway on this. Buy a ticket.”

5. An attractive blonde from cork, ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, ‘I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude’.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an irish brogue yelled, ‘come on, baby, mama needs new clothes!’

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. ‘YES! YES! I WON, I WON!’

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, ‘what did she roll?’

The other answered, ‘I don’t know – I thought you were watching.’

4. A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer.

The player said, “when I get bad cards, it’s not the dealers fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously had nothing to do with it so why should I tip him?” the dealer said, “when you eat out do you tip the waiter?” “yes.” “well then, he serves you food, I’m serving you cards so you should tip me.”

“OK, but, the waiter gives me what I ask for…I’ll take an eight.”

3. A blonde goes into a restaurant and notices there’s a “peel and win” sticker on her coffee cup. So she’s peels it off and starts screaming, “I’ve won a motor home! I’ve won a motor home!” the waitress says, “that’s impossible. The biggest prize is a free lunch.”

But the blonde keeps screaming, “I’ve won a motor home! I’ve won a motor home!”

Finally the manager comes over and says, “ma’am, I’m sorry, but you’re mistaken. You couldn’t possibly have won a motor home because we didn’t have that as a prize!”

The blonde says, “no it’s not a mistake. I’ve won a motor home!” she hands the ticket to the manager and he reads… (get ready for this!)

2. One day, at a casino buffet, a man suddenly called out, “my son’s choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!”

A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing.

He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boy’s gonads, and squeezed.

Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened. “thank you! Thank you!” the father cried.

“are you a paramedic?” “no,” replied the man. “I work for the IRS.”

Funniest gambling jokes

Published may 1, 2015 updated december 14 , 2017

You may think the biggest gambling joke of all is the huge loss you took last time you spent the night at a land based casino, or perhaps you’re the type who finds nothing funny about gambling.

Here at australiancasinosite.Com, we’ve always thought it was super important not to take things too seriously when it comes to gambling; with such high risks involved the outcome is truly out of your hands so why not take it all with a grain of salt?

One of the best ways to stay positive and see the funny side of a loss is by making sure you’re always gambling within your means and never placing a bet that you can’t afford to lose. These golden rules of gambling will help to ensure that your real money betting remains the fun yet exciting recreational activity that it should be.

If you’re going through a particularly rough patch of bad luck, or just need a bit of a laugh, have a look at some of our favourite gambling jokes that we’ve compiled from the dark corners of the internet for your entertainment.

Top 10 best jokes about gambling

• 1. A bum asks a man for a dollar. The man says, “are you just going to use it to buy booze?” the bum says, “no.” the man says, “are you just going to use it to gamble and lose?” the bum says, “no.” the man says, “well then, I’ll give you the dollar if you’ll you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn’t drink or gamble.”

• 2. Q: how do you make a small fortune out of betting on the pokies?

A: start with a large fortune.

• 3. A man rushes home and yells to his wife, “mary, pack your things. I just won a million bucks on blackjack!” mary excitedly says, “should I pack for warm weather or cold?” the husband responds, “I don’t care. Just so long as you’re out of the house by midday!”

• 4. Two bored, male casino dealers are waiting for someone to come try their luck at their craps table. Finally, a beautiful young woman comes in wanting to bet ten grand on a single roll of the dice. She says, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m half naked.” the dealer’s just stand there, too awe struck to speak.

The dealers stare at each other, flabbergasted. One of them finally asks, “what did she roll anyway?” the other responds, “I don’t know. I thought YOU were watching the dice!”

• 5. There’s a touching story about a young man who said to his girlfriend, “I bet you wouldn’t marry me.” the story goes that she not only called his bet but also raised him ten!

• 6. An ex writes a letter to the man she cheated on for years before dumping him at the altar:

Dear danny,
I have been unable to eat or sleep since I left on our wedding day. Can’t you find it in your heart to forgive and forget? Being away from you is breaking my heart. I was a fool, there’s nobody who can take your place. I only have eyes for you. All the love in the world, susan xoxoxxoxooxox

PS. Congratulations on winning this week’s lottery.

• 7. Q: what’s the difference between praying in a church and praying in a casino?
  A: in a casino, you really mean it!

• 8. A man walks into a butcher and asks, “are you a gambling man?” the butcher says yes, so the man tells him, “I bet you $100 that you can’t reach up and touch that meat hanging from those hooks up there.” the butcher says, “no way, I’m not betting on that.” the man replies, “why not? I thought you said you were a gambling man?” to which the butcher responds, “I am, but those steaks are too high!”

• 9. Q: how do you get a professional poker player to get off your front porch?
  A: pay him for the pizza.

• 10. A guy comes home from the pub four hours later than he’d promised. “where the hell have you been?” screams his wife. The man says, “I’ve been playing poker with some mates.” “playing poker with some mates!?” the wife yells. “well, you can pack your bags and go!” “so can you,” the guys says. “this isn’t our house anymore.”

Next time you’re betting online and can’t seem to get ahead, hopefully you’ll think of these jokes and remember not to take things too seriously. Or perhaps you could use one of them in a poker chat room to ease the tension and give everyone a laugh. If you have any good gambling jokes of your own we’d love to hear them.

Want to give casino games a try online? Head to slots million, our top-rated casino site for players from united kingdom, which has a huge range of games available for instant-play, with some excellent bonus offers available for real money players.

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Slot jokes

Funny jokes

Give it a rest

A chap had a very painful elbow. He went to see his own
doctor, who told him to rest it: no treatment was required, it
was just tennis elbow.
Rather dissatisfied, he decided to go to a new computer-based
medical service that had just opened up. He went inside the
building and found the terminal, but there were no people in
sight. The instructions told him to slide his credit card
through the slot, and that $150 would be debited. When he had
done this, he was asked screen after screen of questions about
himself, until eventually a specimen bottle appeared. The
instructions on the screen said, "produce urine specimen and
pour into slot on left," so he did. A few seconds later, the
screen read:
diagnosis: tennis elbow
treatment: rest
well, he wasn't happy. $150 wasted just to be told the same
thing again. He thinks, "I'm going to confuse the hell out of
that smug machine." he went home, took a bottle more.

Vegas facts - cool facts about las vegas

Las vegas means "the meadows" in spanish.

In nevada, there are more than 209,000 slot machines normally operating 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

The first neon sign appeared in las vegas in 1954 at the boulder club.

The bell is the oldest symbol still used on today's slot machines.

The average annual temperature in las vegas is 66 degrees.

It would take 288 years for one person to spend one night in every hotel room in las vegas.

Shrimp consumption in las vegas is more than 60,000 pounds a day. That's higher than the rest of the country combined and adds up to 22 million pounds per year.

The stardust was the first hotel in vegas to add a sports book to its casino.

Nickel slots on the strip pay back anywhere from 86.9 percent to 92.8 percent of what they take in.

Las vegas casinos never use dice with rounded corners.

It's estimated that every day las vegas casinos more.

My computer

My computer is so old, it has a VHS slot instead of a CD/DVD slot.

Things you don't want to hear II

Things you don't want to hear when regaining consciousness
"let me ask your opinion, nurse. "
"has anyone ever seen one of THESE?"
"what do you mean, "it's upside down"?"
"this is what happens when cousins marry."
"you think we can sew it back on?"
"is that SUPPOSED to be yellow?"
"what does the AMA know; I still think I can do it."
"wow. Maybe I shouldn't have gotten so drunk last night."
"does tab A go into slot C or slot F?"
"they never let us practice on REAL people in med school."
"don't worry, he'll never know; he's out."

Bucketful of quarters

Having her hair done at a west hempstead beauty parlor, a woman told a cautionary tale about racial prejudice. The story deserves a wider audience.

On a recent weekend in atlantic city the woman related, she won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slot for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she would stash the quarters in her room. "I'll be right back and we'll go to eat," she told her husband and she carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator bank.

As she was about to walk into an elevator she noticed two men already aboard. Both were black. One of them was big. Very big. An intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first thought was: these two are going to rob me. Her next thought was: don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen, even if one of them is awfully black. But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her. She stood and stared at the two men. She felt more.

So, let's see, what we have: jokes about casinos and gambling. Funny casino cartoons and jokes by our cartoonist. At casino slot jokes